Retrospective
- 7 minutes read - 1414 wordsCWs: work, personal history, mental health
I’ve been out of academia for nearly 6 years at this point (2019). At that point I was on the tail end of a teaching gig in middle/high school. It feels weird, like a different life entirely. But it’s in my past and that’s OK. I loved the time I spent working on my degrees, and all the learning that involved, and presenting and sharing knowledge with others as much as I felt like I could. I had a lot of interesting friends over the years, many fleeting and transient, as grad school/academic colleagues are wont to be, but they were in my life as long as they needed to be. That’s OK. Sometimes I miss the spoken Latin cena my colleague would host when I was teaching middle/high school most weeks. We had a lot of laughs, practiced speaking Latin, had a good meal, and read some interesting Latin off the beaten path. Those nights were fun. You might say, well, why not reach out, rekindle that connection? I suppose I could, but it would never be the same. I would always feel like the outsider, even though Latin would connect us. It’s a little melancholy losing those sorts of things, but again, it’s OK.
My “new” (well, 6-year-old) job is much better for me in many, many ways. Financially, in terms of work-life balance, and I feel like I am doing some tangible good. But it’s also stressful and exhausting, mentally and emotionally. But the happy parts of it make up for the stress, most days at least. Some days are better than others, for sure, but I think often when I’m getting “full” and burnt out, a vacation and a few days away from the grind is usually the answer to sort it out. Weekends are much more of a treasure than they used to be. When I was teaching, summers off were nice, but at the same time, I was expected to be preparing for the year ahead most of the time, which was stressful in itself. It was “you should be writing” all the time, except it was “you should be lesson planning” &c. &c. I don’t love that. Now I work regular hours, and I’m done at the end of the day, then come in the next day to get more done. I’m totally fine with that. The tradeoff is worth it. I also feel much more valued at my job and again, that I am making a tangible difference.
I think I’m having these thoughts because I have a somewhat long stretch of time off coming up soon. My parents are supposed to visit, but due to various factors (my dad has been having health issues lately, unfortunately), it is looking less and less likely that they will actually be coming. We have backup plans in case they don’t come, but I would really prefer to see them if possible, y’know? My dad will be 70 next year and both my parents are getting up there, so I’d like to enjoy the time we have left. I would really prefer to ward off oblivion as long as possible, for myself, and loved ones and friends, of course. And as many others as possible, too, while I’m at it. Again, when I feel like the pressure is building and burnout is setting in, some time away really helps calm things down. But I am also working on coping mechanisms for stress, when taking time off isn’t possible or ideal. I read just about every weeknight (and also Sunday) for a couple of hours before bed, have tea, listen to podcasts, and wind down for the evening. It’s a nice way to take some time for myself before sleep, which in itself is a lovely release. Lyra won’t really let me stay in bed, she gets scratchy, so I end up hanging out in the living room until I am properly going to bed. I’ve gotten used to it, oh well.
But yeah, it is kinda hard to believe that it’s been that long since I’ve been in the academic world. I’ve kept up my Latin (doing translations as often as I can, usually many hours a week), my Greek less so, but I haven’t spent much time actually reading Latin and Greek. I am somewhere in the middle of Hesiod’s Theogony and really need to finish it, and ideally read Works and Days as well. I need to get back to Ennius’ Annales (the massive Otto Skutsch text which was on my bucket list for so long, until I found it miraculously on sale one day and went for it!). I am always missing Lucretius. And I said this on Mastodon tonight but I need more Greek tragedy in my life. Aeschylus’ Suppliants is a really lovely and IMHO underrated tragedy. I want to read it in Greek. I’ve used the Loeb to skim it, but I want to properly read it. And more Sophokles, please. And more Pindar.
I am stalled out somewhere in the middle of The Landmark Thucydides. I don’t feel like I really know what is going on. It’s a whole lot of war between Athens and Sparta. I think I love the idea of Thucydids more than Thucydides in practice. I just feel like I don’t understand the narrative at all. There is so much going on across the Greek world at that time, and it’s really hard to keep track of, even with a nice edition like that. I read a good chunk of Polybius as well and I sort of feel the same way – unmoored. But both topics (the Peloponnesian War and the rise of Rome) are things I am interested in learning more about. I think both texts are just very challenging, even in English translation. I have read a good amount of Thucydides in Greek, and it is really tough; I haven’t read any Polybius, but hear his Greek is very Thucydidean.
I also want to be cliched and read more Vergil. I have never properly read Georgics and I hear it’s lovely. Of course I love the Aeneid. I would like to read more Quintus of Smyrna; I spent the better part of two years working on my thesis on Quintus for my master’s degree, and loved it then, even just in translation. Basically, there’s a lot of the classical world I would like to explore still, but it’s really overwhelming. I know the key is to just start somewhere but it’s hard to even do that sometimes.
Right now I’m reading three very dense books. Maybe I’ll throw a Classics book in there once I finish one of the super-dense books. That is a good idea. I think I have this weird idea that “the stars need to align” or something before I can read Latin/Greek, but I should just do it. I remember my ex was encouraging when I said I was scared and confused by reading philosophy; she said just to read it and enjoy it and don’t stress about understanding absolutely everything. So I remember sorta brute-forcing Plato’s Republic (in translation) and I actually really enjoyed it when I wasn’t thinking about perfectly understanding everything off the bat. Reading isn’t a one-shot, or at least doesn’t have to be. Books can be read, and re-read, and re-read; wash, rinse, repeat. And it’s OK. That is the perfectionist streak in me, the goofy undergrad (and often grad) who would write papers the night before they were due, stay up all night and crank out a somehow-impressive final product, even very long papers. Sometimes that diceroll didn’t work, but when it did, it was lovely. As I got older and wiser I would spread out the writing at least a little bit more, and somehow got through my PhD and dissertation, one (or sometimes many, many) page at a time.
Anyways, life is weird, and scary, and terrible and wonderful and dreamy and bizarre, all wrapped in one. Trying to take the bad with the good, but there is a lot of bad and evil to go around lately. Trying to ward that off from myself and those I love as much as I can, but it’s a struggle every day. One worth doing though. I am happy getting some of my thoughts out here and I hope that you find them worth reading. Thanks for reading, friends <3