Too Much DOOM

CWs: US politics, trump, death mention

I’ve been playing a really nice mod for DOOM/DOOM II called Brutal Doom. I hadn’t played either game in quite awhile, but generally use a source port like Chocolate DOOM vel sim. if I do. Friends on the Classic Gaming Today Discord recommended it, and wow, it is a nice mod. I’ve played through all of DOOM and most of DOOM II at this point. But I think I’ve overdone it. Too many dark corridors and surprise ambushses. I think I might need to take a step back from it. I’ve been playing it a lot lately, between rewatching Seinfeld (I’m on season 5; I am rewatching the whole series, then plan on media mailing the lot of it to my sister, since I don’t want the DVD sets anymore) and doing whatever else in my free time.

In some ways, playing gloomy videogames, and engaging with gloomy, sad, depressing, terrifying media, is a weird apotropaic for the very real political feelings of doom lately, especially in the US. January 20th has come and gone, and it’s been a cluster of a week. I was talking with my mom, and she said Trump 2.0 is worse than she ever expected him to be. I said I’m not surprised; he has been telling us, loudly, with a megaphone, for years exactly what his plan is. People listened, but not enough people cared to keep him from ever having power over anything more than his sad business empire again. He has been telling us who he is and what he’s about (or what the puppetmasters are about; let’s be honest, Trump, even more so than W, is being fed instructions by his far more dangerous cronies and sycophants). So I wasn’t surprised, just sad that this is the point we’ve come to. I don’t want to go into a doom spiral, though. We’re here and in the thick of it, and I’m trying to do whatever I can to help people less fortunate and privileged than I am, of whatsoever worth that may be. I’ve got to believe that there are people out there who want to counteract all this disastrous stuff, and I plan on being one of those people, howsoever I can. So I’m optimistic, but only to a point. We have some real problems.

Again, media that scare me, such as horror movies, &c., are actually strangely comforting; often they pale in comparison with the horrors in the real world. I gotta say, though, some horror movies are just relentlessly dire (think the Terrifier series, which grabs and never lets up, like the depths of some of the most twisted ’70s or ’80s horror movies). So I’ve been listening to creepy podcasts, which I generally love, such as Horror on the Rocks. I tend to enjoy creepypasta-based podcasts, because creepypasta has that raw, unnerving, bizarre feel to it; although creepypasta is not always expertly written, sometimes it ends up being creepier than many novels/short stories. This particular podcast reminds me a lot of another I listened to for awhile called Lighthouse Horror, but when they started injecting ads right into the middle of the episode, I bowed out, never to return. That hasn’t happened yet, and, dis volentibus, it won’t… In any case, it’s been nice rolling through those episodes and spending some time in horrific alternate worlds.

I’m not all doom and gloom. I like happy and bright and positive and beautiful stuff just fine! Calm games, chill books, relaxing and comforting music, happy movies, absolutely. There is a time and a place for it all. I remember when I was younger, I used to say I felt like “Death is an old friend.” Part of that was just my morbid young self talking, trying to sound cool. These days I am a little more circumspect about it. I recently wrote about drawing up plans for my spouse for shuttering my digital life if I should pass before them. The older I get, mortality is a little closer at hand and in mind, but that’s OK. I am not scared of it. I just have lots of things I still want to do before that happens, y’know? I expect oblivion and absolute nothingness, so I’ll enjoy the time here while I can, and try to make the world a better place howsoever possible, be happy, and add to others’ happiness (I don’t believe in “making” people happy; you either add to or subtract from it, no wholesale creation). I also need to write a will, but I don’t even know where to start with that. Pretty much everything would go to my spouse, although I’m sure my sister wouldn’t mind having some of my things as well if my spouse didn’t want them. Again, as I get older, these are things I am thinking more about, and that’s OK. Part of growing up, part of getting older. I wouldn’t want to be in my 20s again, much less my teens; they were fun (or not) while they lasted, but I’m glad I know better now. I enjoyed my 30s, and my 40s are pretty nice so far.

I’m all over the place in this post. I don’t know entirely where I was going. I was thinking “too much DOOM” like too much of the game, but realized there is a lot of doom and gloom in life in general these days. I’m trying to embrace it where I can, harness it and create something positive. Yet I’m trying to be positive too and look to the good, and try to be one of those creating good in the world and combating the very real evil in the world. And holding loved ones close, and giving as much love as I can.

Thanks for reading, friends, and take care of yourselves and each other <3