Wind Post

CWs: death, grief, food

OK, I admit I’m being a little cheeky with my title here, which is a nod to the wind phone, where a disconnected phone is set up so that loved ones can have “conversations” with the departed. But I’m going for sort of the same concept here. I haven’t lost that many people in my life, thankfully, but those I have lost have left sizable holes, and I thought I’d write something in their honor, and have a conversation, as it were, with them. I don’t know if I’ve ever use a wind phone itself, but I love the idea of it, and I’m sure it helps a lot of people process grief, especially when it’s very fresh. The people I am thinking of in particular are my great-grandma, who passed in 1996, and my maternal grandparents; my grandma passed in 2016, a few months before we moved to Colorado, and my grandpa passed in 2021 very suddenly. These three people were some of my favorites in the entire world, and I miss them dearly, although I don’t always show it.

I wrote a recollection of sorts of my great-grandma’s death, I think, for a school paper not long after it happened. I’ll have to dig that up sometime. I remember not crying at the funeral, one, because “boys aren’t supposed to cry” (at least I think that was part of it), but also since I didn’t entirely know how process everything. My great-grandma was a near-constant presence in my life from my birth until her death when I was 12, so it definitely affected me. She died at 92, and that means she was babysitting me, and later my sister, starting in her 80s. She never really slowed down, and loved being around kids, and treated us like people, none of this “seen and not heard” nonsense attitude that some people have towards children. It was all love, and nothing but support. She adored me and my sister and showed it however she could. Hell, she even liked watching us play videogames at her house, and especially liked watching us play Mario (she liked the “putt-putt” sound of the fireballs!). That, inter alia, meant the world to me. Her house was even a refuge for me when I was angry at my parents. I remember one time I rode my bike across town to her house and spent time with her, and she was perfectly okay with it and very comforting. I wish I’d had more time with her.

My grandparents were similarly constant presences in our lives. They also frequently, as one would expect, babysat us for my parents, and we loved spending time with them. Some people unfortunately don’t have good relationships with their grandparents, and consider them an annoyance at best, but we always loved spending time with ours. We went on a number of trips with them, like to Disneyland and such, and they wre always supportive of us in general. My grandpa bought a travel trailer at some point, and liked to take it on trips, and my grandparents would often take us to the coast for a few days. Staying at an RV park with a hookup was a nice way to travel a little more cheaply, and I also really enjoyed my grandpa cooking for us in the morning. He often made hash browns and bacon and toast and I always loved that. I remember taking trips just with my grandpa to the coast, hanging out in the trailer, and just reading for hours and looking at the ocean. My grandparents encouraged my and my sister’s love of reading, and my grandpa often took me to used bookstores so I could explore the wonders within. For a good chunk of my life, too, my grandparents lived about a mile away from my house, so it was almost always easy to go there and visit them, whether by bike, car, or whatever.

Both my grandparents were teachers (my grandma taught 1st grade, IIRC, and my grandpa taught middle school), so they loved kids. I remember visiting my grandma at her classroom fairly often, and it was nice to see her working with students and meet her colleagues. My grandpa retired when I was fairly young, though, so I didn’t really get to see him working. And my great-grandma had been retired for awhile when I was born, so all I knew of her was her existence in retirement.

My great-grandma succumbed to a bad bout of cancer in 1996, and basically just slipped away after that. It was really rough and I’m sure it was painful for her.

My grandma also had cancer, which they were only able to treat and stave off the inevitable for so long. My spouse and I visited her in November 2015 when she was in the hospital, and at that point she was still fairly lucid, and appreciated us being there to see her. That was the last time I saw her, but we did talk on the phone many times over the months before her death. That was really painful for me, since sometimes she would fade in and out of consciousness, likely due to painkillers &c., and I wouldn’t know if she was actually “there” or not, actually listening. I remember some calls would be me holding up one side of the conversation, hoping she was listening, and not knowing when/if I should hang up. It was awkward but I am still glad we had those calls, especially since I was in Florida at the time and she was in Oregon. When the funeral occurred in April 2016, I was on a plane to the UK for a conference and my spouse was with me; otherwise I would have gone. A few months later I would move to Colorado, and I wish she could have visited us here.

My grandpa lived for a few years longer, until 2021, but he was never quite the same after her death. I think he didn’t entirely know how to live after that without her. But I was happy to have some more time with him, and tried to call him as often as I could, since we didn’t often get a chance to see him, even living in Colorado. IIRC, he had a bad fall and didn’t entirely recover from that, and then had a stroke, and suddenly passed away not long after that. We wouldn’t have even had time to get on a plane to see him before he passed. I am glad it was mercifully quick.

So why am I telling you all of this, about three people you’ve never met and have no reason to care about? Because they meant something to me, and I wanted to get these thoughts down. I haven’t really thought about all three of them in this way in a long time, and it’s nice to collect my thoughts. It’s hard to put into words what people mean to you. There’s so much I could say but I haven’t the time or the energy for it. Just know that these were special people and I’m grateful to have had them in my life. And now I’d like to have a conversation with them, albeit one-sided by necessity.

To my great-grandma: I wish we had had more time together. I wish you’d seen me graduate from high school, from undergrad, then master’s and the PhD. I know that’s not entirely realistic as when I got my PhD in 2014, you would have been 110. That’s not important though. I just wish you’d been here a little longer. I really treasured the time we had together and I loved that you were always supportive of me, unconditionally, and were interested in what was going on in my life. That’s rare for adults. I’m happy for the time I got to hang out at your house with Mickey [her big fluffy orange cat]. I always liked exploring your house, always trying to avoid dropped needles in the sewing room. I loved that beat-up orange couch you called a “devinet.” I’m grateful for the “accent” I picked up from you (milk as “melk,” mint as “ment,” &c.). I loved hearing your stories about the past and your childhood. I liked going to the mall with you. When you came for all holidays, big and small, especially Christmas. The clothes you made me over the years, especially that terry-cloth robe. It’s not all stuff, though. I just liked spending time with you and that you cared enough to want to spend time with me and my sister and give my parents a break from time to time. You were always there for me and I utterly appreciate it. I don’t know what else to say at the moment. It’s hard to sum up 12 years in a paragraph or so. There is so much more but a lot of it is ineffable. Thank you.

To my grandparents: I’m incredibly happy about all the time we had together. You were there right from the beginning and were always there until you couldn’t be. You were a refuge if I needed to cool off from being mad at my parents, and of course you’d been through just about everything they had, if not more, and completely understood both sides. I’m really happy that you were able to be there for me at so many milestones, especially when I got married. It meant the world to have you there, and I hope that’s mutual. Having you two was like having a set of more-fun parents and I feel incredibly lucky. I’m sorry I didn’t call as often as I should have. I know I called fairly often, but still, when I was far away, I should have done more. Thank you for inspiring me to be a teacher like yourselves, even though it ultimately didn’t pan out in the end. It was still entirely worth the effort. I loved our trips to the coast and all around Oregon and elsewhere. We went so many places! I’m so happy you lived so close for much of my life, as it was easy to come visit! And we didn’t have to do anything fancy, just talk and spend time, and that was enough. Thank you for hosting so many holidays. Your home was full of light and love and laughter, and it was always bittersweet to leave at the end of the night. I feel like I’m repeating myself. But really. You were always there for me and undoubtedly still would be, were you here. I know we had a good long time together but I still wish there were more of it. Thank you for everything.

I don’t know where to go from here but I think, as Athene said, all my arrows have been shot. It was good to get all of this down, and I apologize if it’s overly personal or whatever, but I felt it was worth writing about. Thank you kindly for reading, and I trust my next post will be less gloomy. <3